How to Choose Your Inner Circle: King’s Court Theory
Essays to a Younger Sibling (#2 of 52)
King’s Court Theory
One of the key ingredients to a successful life is undoubtedly the ability to build and maintain an inner circle. This circle should inspire, motivate and most importantly challenge you to become your fullest self. And though this may sound like incredibly simple life advice, I can promise you that most people I know don’t have three friends which fulfill this criteria. Truth be told, for most of my life, I didn’t have friends like these either.
How I Developed My Inner Circle
As I reflect, I find it striking that no one in my Inner Circle today (I am writing as a young 24 year-old college grad) is from my middle school days.
For context, I went to a huge public middle school in South Miami called Herbert A. Ammons Middle where the classrooms were called “portables,” which is basically a nicer term for a hurricane shelter.
I find it a bit shameful and awkward to admit that my relationships were largely driven by my insecurities. I thought that by sticking with the popular guys, I could get closer to my primary goal: girls.
I was a pretty pimply-faced chicken nugget back then, and all I wanted back then was my own Valentine (for two years in a row, I gave poems and teddy bears and boxes of chocolates to girls I thought were “my” Valentine, only to find they’d received presents from half a dozen other boys).
But this is not about me — this is about you guys. The reason I’m sharing this is to spur reflection for those younger readers (or really anyone out there) who finds themselves gravitating towards shallow, selfish relationships for shallow, selfish reasons.
Activity: Jot down your 4–5 best friends and the 4–5 people who you spend the most time with me (these may or may not be the same people). Consider whether they are truly rooting for you and fighting for your best interests — why precisely do you spend time with these people? Do they inspire discipline? Teach you new skills? Improve your well-being?
It’s such a simple examination, but a powerful one, and something most people don’t regularly take note of.
Personally, I didn’t have people who truly brought out my inner potential (aside from my Mom) until I arrived at one of the toughest, most prestigious, and most academically challenging schools in the world, Phillips Exeter Academy.
There, I discovered new role models, ranging from the Club Head of our School’s Breakdance Team, Rudy, who would routinely challenge me to breakdance battles, even when he injured his heel and had to wear a boot for weeks (that’s a story for another time) to Hiro, my dorm mate who embodied selfless hospitality, high morals and a love for adventure in everything he did (like when we ran through the sprinklers on the baseball field and floated down the Exeter river in inflatable tubes!).
For those of you who are struggling to find people who really bring out your best, I recommend looking for the all-stars in your school and community, the people who truly demand excellence and don’t settle for anything less than their best, whether that’s in a physical sport, academic area or even something more philosophical, like adherence to a strict moral compass or a deep sense of generosity.
This could be someone your age, or someone a bit older, but once you identify them, start to ask questions. Then, if possible, spend an entire day or two shadowing them to see what they do, how they think, and most importantly, try to figure out why they do the things they do. Keep a journal and share your discoveries in the comment section if you can!
Regarding the types of people to search for, I recommend borrowing from the King’s Court framework.
The story goes that back in the old days, royalty would have a group of advisors to help them navigate the challenges of their kingdom.
These people were:
#1. Fortune Teller: a person who is often right about the future, spots developing trends, and is a contrarian thinker.
My Fortune Tellers are my friends Tarun and Hiro. Because of their engineering background and fascination with emerging technologies, they’re always ahead of the curve. They’ve been able to use this knowledge to identify opportunities like crypto, Tesla and TikTok for immense gain. It was thanks to their advice that my own personal finances more than doubled and I was able to grow my tutoring business by more than 3x this past year!
#2. Monk: highly disciplined (either physically or mentally), motivates people through consistent action, and helps you chip away at large goals through both planning and execution
My Monk is a Yalie named Damian. Damian started breakdancing just in college but he’s already much better than me, largely due to the countless hours he’s spent practicing powermoves in his basement by himself. His recordings of his videos and constant invitations to competitions fires me up and shows me that no new movements are ever given — they are forged through dedication, discipline and desire.
#3. Expert: a trained professional who uses their experience to assist you through real-world applications, scenarios and even crises.
For me, this is my sister, Lorna, who is thirteen years older than me and has more than a decade of experience as a professional attorney (not to mention over 30+ years of lived experience as a second generation immigrant). When I was applying to college, doing taxes for the first time and moving to a new city after graduating, she’s the person I called.
#4. Shaman: a spiritual or philosophical guide who opens your mind to new experiences and ideas; someone who routinely operates in the world of possibilities rather than just mere realities.
My shaman is my girlfriend Ingra. Since we’ve been together, she’s helped cure me of my dark habits of entering dark binges of video gaming and dangerous self-medication through sugar and social media. She is someone who sees the world with optimism and abundance, and has helped me develop greater appreciation for the privileges I enjoy through nightly prayers where we vocalize what we’re grateful for.
#5 Challenger: debates your ideas and points out flaws in your thinking, typically using facts and logic. A good challenger also exposes you to areas of improvement and gaps in your knowledge so that you can refine your thinking and ultimately make better decisions.
My challenger is none other than Jeffrey Yu, my co-founder and better half. Though Jeff is 3 years my junior, he approaches our business and life through a lens of constant improvement and systems-thinking, often investigating how several factors are linked together, rather than independently examining unique one-off scenarios. I love his unfettered curiosity and am trying to channel his inquisitiveness in order to further refine our processes as a business, as well as the habits and relationships governing my life.
Closing
My final piece of advice when it comes to the King’s Court and Inner Circle has two parts:
- 1) don’t just start searching for these kinds of individuals, but
- 2) also consider what you bring to the table.
- How might you be someone else’s monk, or shaman or challenger?
- What do you currently do that inspires, motivates, or others?
- If you don’t have something like that, how can you begin to cultivate or develop it?
I sincerely hope you found this helpful — if so, I’d really appreciate a kind comment or even sharing this with someone you think would appreciate this article. I plan to continue writing one essay a week throughout the course of 2023.
From,
Kevin Zhen
